The Institute Bulletin

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Doctors flock to Arafat's side
Palestinians and music fans around the world are holding their breath as rumors abound about the health, or lack thereof, of Palestinian President and former Beatles drummer Yasser Ringo Merenich Arafat. The Institute sends it's best wishes for a swift recovery to our stubborn friend and favorite Beatle. Just keep Paul away from Suha! Strawberry Fields in Gaza, up the irons!

Stargazers enjoy total lunar eclipse
The beautiful celestial dance, except in Freeland where (typically) the clear skies became overcast and bleak just in time for the first eclipse I've had the time to observe in over 15 years! By 9pm you would have no idea there was a moon in the sky and the eclipse hadn't even begun. Being discouraged I broke my drink on a Unisom and went to bed. My next observation was at 4:12 am, the sky was clear and a full western moon was shining down in mockery at me.

Report: Americans growing taller and wider
My favorite Dangerfieldism- 'ya wanna look thin? Ya hang around with fat people!', truer words you will never hear. So the average weight for men goes up 10oz./year and 10lbs./year for Keith? So, if the trend holds I will be of average weight by August 2021, when I'm living on Sealab [you do the math, and call me Hank!]. By then Keith should have achieved quartertonness [good for him hitting his midway point]! Apparently there is no data in this study on penis size, vaginal dilation and compression or annual per capita methane emissions. Are Americans farting more? The world wonders...

Electoral College tie could be mother of all messes
Yes my friends, it seems that the hell spawn maggot-like lawyers are poised to do more damage to the fabric of our nation than any external threat ever has. Contrary to some there is no constitutional mechanisms to prevent litigation from surpassing the inauguration date which would throw our constitutional succession into crisis. We the people must reassert control over our process and banish the frivolous usurpers from feasting on the Union. We must demand a plain, simple, and common universal reform of the entire nomination and election process. The true mechanics of the two party nomination system remains admittedly by the press a mystery to all but a handful of party puppet masters and deck stackers. The party goal of broad appeal continues to deliver us with a choice between candidates who are universally unappealing and bland. It only gets worse as the electorate is refined and pigeonholed by the party statistician and pollsters. Our choices are no longer most appealing but least offensive to the majority. Talk about qualitative reduction! Also with laws requiring electors to vote accordingly to popular vote the Electoral College becomes more and more obsolete. We need to take back the process from the party bosses and those who would steal a district with ballot trickery and deliberate confusion. I say universally one citizen, one vote, no registration. Your SSN should be your registration as a valid American voter and should be accepted at any polling station coast to coast and then some! Ballots should be plain side by side ENGLISH comparisons listing the candidates alphabetically with clear candidates pictures and party emblems with the simple validation of 'are you sure?'. Isn't it bad enough that candidates are mostly career politicians and lawyers? Don't let the lawyers steal the last vestige of your choice!

Judge defends courtroom party for prisoner
This is a disgusting public humiliation that goes far above and beyond the scope of Judge Faith Johnson's mandate to apply the rule of law and legislated acceptable punishments on Billy Wayne Williams regardless of his crimes. It is a definitive sign that Judge Johnson cannot separate her personal feelings from the legal jurisprudence and impartiality with which she has been entrusted. Crusaders should not be tolerated occupying the bench.

Thousand pound man recovering from obesity surgery
A loss of 421 pounds, that's alotta bedpans! While we admire Mr. Deuel's love of larger living, even by the most extreme Institute opinion at age 42 he should only weigh 420lbs! This is just a case of too much, too soon. Sit back Patrick, focus on a long life and the girthy reward of the Poluka weight scale, fat in moderation.

Israeli army commander arrested
Good, and here I had thought the Israeli military was gonna gloss over this. Maybe justice isn't dead in Israel.

Lawyer: Consensual sex is not child porn
Though I have no sympathy for a 31 year old man engaging sexually a 17 year old girl once again I must call for clear sexual laws and definitions with graduated consensual age guidelines.

Abducted aid worker pleads for life in new video
Acts such as this and the recent massacre of Iraqi National Guardsmen clearly frames Iraq as the primary target of the terrorists in that country. So why are the Iraqi people silent?

Jeffrey Jones Accused of Sex Abuse
Here we go again, but wait... seems like someone thinks they have an old lottery ticket!

Female teacher faces sex and drug charges
A 47 year old woman drugging and sodomizing groups of teenage boys? It's a shame that her crimes will probably go unpunished because just reading this puts one word in your mind- MENTAL!

Man creates largest origami penis

They say an image says a thousand words, and this is no exception. Nick Robinson's paper penis stunt is definitely worthy of Institute recognition.

A Titanic Surprise
Cool, clouds of packing material!

Domination by fossil fuels will cause carbon pollution to surge: IEA
Alright greenies, time for your dose of reality. All fossil fuels will be consumed eventually by someone, period. It may happen over the next hundred years or the next 10,000. But like it or not humanity will use these resources and live with the repercussions.

China slams as 'absurd' idea that EU satellite cooperation is military
Galileo- a turd by another name. The military application of GPS is an established fact. The Chinese participation in the redundant European GPS project is a direct challenge by the multi-polarists to US supremacy in space and on the battlefield. Can there be any other explanation to a constellation of 30 navigation satellites that duplicate the worldwide peaceful capability of the combined US/Russian constellations which can yield a civilian resolution of >3 meters? If the Chinese, or any other nation uses the European navigation satellites to wage war and the Europeans fail to curtail such activity then Galileo becomes a valid military target. One just has to wonder why the EU is dragging it's feet on such safeguards, that is unless I'm correct on their multi-polar aspirations.

New Human Species Found On Indonesian Island Of Flores
Don't tell Keith he's living on the Planet of the Mapes!

http://saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/home/index.cfm

posted by raymond 07:57

(0) comments

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Irate wife gives unfaithful husband the chop
Sexual mutilation is a crime tantamount to attempted murder and should absolutely never be tolerated regardless of the roles of the victim or perpetrator! The strongest of messages and examples must be made in countering sexual mutilation.

Area women pose nude with canines
Maybe there should be a nude women with pussies charity calendar.

Brazil Signs Space Agreement With Russia
Hasn't anyone noticed we have no space program? Our astronauts are relegated to hitchhikers on soyuz! When was the last time you heard any presidential candidate even reference the US space program?

Afghan election success "a huge loss of face" for the Taliban: US general
Especially after their empty threats of attacks on the polling.

US scripted telephone call that mended India-Pakistan ties: Powell
At this point in history there is no corner of the world, no nation that is beyond the scope of American interests and we must strive to engage the entire globe.

Japanese lawmakers make group visit to controversial war shrine
Japan committed heinous atrocities across East Asia and the Pacific including against Americans and the people of the American Philippines. However that is in the past and dead soldiers are dead soldiers. Every nation must pay homage to it's military dead and the fact that among the soldiers war criminals are at this memorial should not tarnish the respect the Japanese bestow on the majority of the 2.5 million whom were just patriotic soldiers.

posted by raymond 19:45

(0) comments

Monday, October 18, 2004

I'm Ba-ack!!
The past three and a half weeks has been very trying and demoralizing as one hurtle after another has taxed my creative energies. I hope now that I have a better handle on the chaos that would see me drained and broken. Provided I can control the pace of those who would carve a piece of my schedule I should be able to retake my duties and obligations here at the Institute for you, the people. Thank you all for the concern and feedback, enjoy the backlog.

U.S. officials: Al-Zarqawi group's statement credible
This message from al-Zarqawi smells of desperation for aid and credibility from al-Qaeda and their wider supporters, hence his renaming of his group to 'Unification and Jihad'. The more the merrier! let's get all our enemies on the same page and take 'em all out!

William Shatner sings again
At first I thought this was just a threat from the Canadian messiah. Then I realized this was just another sign of the apocalypse, unless Bone buys a copy.

Comment prompts plane evacuation
Thought crimes and paranoia. Every time common sense gives way to excessive reaction we are perpetuating the al-Qaeda victory on 9/11. Vigilance is fine, with measured response. The cellular customer in question could easily been discretely and effectively questioned while on the plane that was not going anywhere without undue delay and alarm.

Putin urges voters to back Bush
Plain, down to earth, and correct observations from Vladimir.

Ousted Aristide blamed for unrest
Aristide had his chance at the hand of the United States, and he failed. He should have been happy to live out his exile. If he is indeed still instigating when [not if] we have to once again intervene in Haiti we shall not be so magnanimous to him.

West: Belarus vote fails standards
Belarus president Lukashenko has a right to reign forever
The collapse of the Soviet Union hasn't yielded the fruits of liberty across the remains of the entire Evil Empire.

John Cleese's guide to wine
Didn't he once completely shave his body in a movie for an extra ?50? What a great, and cheap, way to keep the taps flowing for Cleese [read Cheese]. Drink wine and write hack, hell CJ can duu that!

Puppet sex? 'America'? $*&@#! yeah
Innovative? Sorry, Let My Puppets Come was there back in '76! That's not to say that this isn't a worthy successor, just that it took the mainstream 28 years to come around to Blueberry Hill's vision.

Iraq extends weapons amnesty
Wouldn't sex for guns be more of an incentive? OK, look at it like this- in the interest of free enterprise and competition we give 'em Iraqi Prostitute Funbucks and they can solicit the horizontal belly-dancer of their choice. What a great way to fight terrorism. Let the radicals take out their aggressions by beating their guns into plowshares [read plowing the prostitutes]. Maybe if Bin Laden was gettin' laid [laiden?] more he'd relax a bit! Hearts, minds, and libidos!

T4 Gears Up
ACK! Thanx to T3 the story's closure was cracked wide open and the franchise is poised to run amuck on your time and money with mandatory theatrical sequel attendance thanks to the infinite possibilities of temporal parallel realities.
thanx Gom

'It's Raining Men' singer dead
A dark day for Homer Simpson. We gotta get cracking on the 'It's Raining Spam' parody!

Mars Methane Boosts Chances for Life
Despite my revulsion that this means parts of Mars [my future home] will reek like Fluffy's room, It's still an interesting development in the search for extra-terrestrial life and the quest to debunk the narrow-minded-blinders-wearing-flat-earth-centrist-catho-creation-man's-devine-dominion-science-denilists.
thanx Ray Ians

Scalia: Orgies Ought to Be Encouraged
*gom sez* "I agree completely with the Judge. More sex all around in orgy fashion. Diminish the tensions between the sexes. Just use condoms and you'll be in good shape. You'll have lotsa sex and everyone will be a hell of a lot more relaxed about things. Bring back the Roman orgy. Afterall, Caligula refilled the empirial treasury back in the good old days by having an orgy where all the senators' wifeys had to prostitute themselves for the Roman masses in a gigantic orgy at the imperial palace. That's giving it all for your country. That's patriotism as it should be. I say orgies and make 'em public! This was NOT another Mike Emil announcement!"
thanx Gom

To clarify, in the view of the Institute, an orgy requires the direct sexual interaction of four or more people simultaneously in the same surroundings. This supposition is based on the fact that three-some is defined as a Menage à trois, a two-some is a coupling, and sex for one is masturbation.

Canada Plans Draft-Dodger Monument
This is a direct insult to the United States aimed directly at demoralizing our military. As such it is a defacto psychological attack on our military and should draw the protest of our State Department to the Canadian Government for such an official gesture by any level of the Canadian Government.
*Gom sez* "Just another example of the Canadians being smelly Frenchies white flag wavers underneath! First they send us William Shatner, now this! Bastards!"
thanx Gom

Introduction: Planet under pressure
The underlying fact is that the 6 points they feature are all due to the unspoken- overpopulation! It's about time somebody speaks up! But wait, we've had population warnings before we hit 4 billion 35 years ago! Vocalization and education are fine first steps but we need action!
thanx Gom

High Court Rejects Do-Not-Call Challenge
Fuck the marketers! Marketing should be regulated down to factual, measurable side by side comparisons solely of a product's features. Then let the market decide and reward only those whom produce a superior product!
thanx Gom

Top Cop Smokes Pot
You may find the irony scary, or you may be happy to see justice done. I do not see either. I am disgusted. Not simply by the arrogance of Chief Cara, or the complacency of his officers. What sickens me is that because of his position it took a thirteen-month investigation, a hidden camera, and a sting to nail this bastard where if it was just suspicion about you or me our doors would be busted down in an instant by a State raid! It is good to see him arrested, but this just highlights the insider cronyism that cloaks criminals in the ranks of those whom are charged with service and protection of the people. There has to be a better way and we must demand it!
thanx Gom

Magma Has Reached Surface of St. Helens
*Butch* I'm trying to hide from Lora-Puss, Kyle! Stop venting the volcano! I know the heat is making Finch chaff, but I don't want to go to new work and run 'puter! Here drink this!
*Kyle* That's terrible, Teddy. E-U! That has alcohol in it! Yuck Chris-n-e Emil. Double yuck!
thanx Gom

CONAN 3 has cash
Why, oh why do all these projects that cannot be done credibly without Schwarzenegger are surfacing only now after a string of lackluster performances and his new commitment to civil service? Talk about a decade too late!
thanx Gom

Hitchhiker Faithful To Adams
A remake by any other name...
thanx Gom

Son of THE THING?
Carpenter ready for THE THING 2?
Now hold your horses! First off, after the 'Escape From L.A.' rip-off of his own film, Carpenter should never be allowed to do a sequel again! Anyway, if Carpenter wants to do Thing 2 and Sci-Fi Channel is doing a Thing sequel to Carpenter's 1982 The Thing shouldn't somebody start cross-checking their projects so we don't have a split in the franchise timeline like the regrettable 'Night of the Living Dead' sequel split between 'Return of the Living Dead' films and 'Dawn of the Dead' films? And don't get me started on the convoluted plethora of Godzilla timelines!
thanx Gom

Old school STAR WARS rules at new fansite
It is about time someone outside the Institute has finally stood up and taken up the banner against the megalomaniac Lucas Menace. Their mission statement:
[quote] "BeforeTheDarkTimes.com was born specifically in honor of fans who choose to remember the STAR WARS saga for what it once WAS," the webmasters write in the site's forward. "That is, before the enhancements found in the Special Edition.. before the added scenes that now offset music scores and film fluidity.. before the 'Greedo shot first' debacle.. All changes which now allow us to refer to those days as, 'Before the Dark Times'."
We are glad to welcome www.beforethedarktimes.com in our alliance for common sense releases and respect for the fans, without which Mr. Lucas would be a lowly janitor. As we have stated many times before, with the technology of DVDs a final and complete edition of the Star Wars films could easily be produced with the playback options for any edition's playback with or without added scenes or deleted material which should satisfy everyone, except George.
thanx Gom

Israeli probe clears officer of schoolgirl shooting
Zionist pig! This was a heinous act of a deranged radical, this is a human rights violation and plainly immoral in anyone's eyes. This officer should not only face a court marshal and dishonorable discharge, but he should then be accountable to both Israeli and Palestinian civil law.

Squid catch stuns scientists
A humboldt squid? Sounds like Pravda material to me. Say a caricature of a giant squid labeled Humboldt/Valmont/CANDO with its tentacles squeezing the blood out of the Hazleton proletariat.
*Gom parodys*: *Finch Singing Badly* "Nuu! North to Alaska to get me some calamari! Nuu!"

Film prize for Star Wars creator
He needs this like we need yet another revision of the Star Wars Trilogy! Stop sucking up to this phony!
*Gom sez* "This oughta wake you up like a brick in the face!"
thanx Gom

Imax to show Star Wars' Clones
Great!, Another format for George to fuck with.

Sudan Denies 70,000 Dead in Crisis
So do something already! I'm sick of the empty promise of "never again"!
thanx Gom

Oil-for-Food Probe Includes Annan's Son
Was there any doubt that this was a crooked program right from the start? Let this stand as a lesson that the bureaucratic UN is not capable of managing a sanction circumventing humanitarian program. The crooked bedfellows of the UN, Saddam, and the Multi-polarists perpetuated the suffering of the Iraqi people for their own greed for 12 years!
*Gom sez* "Bad Chaffe and his son Folgers think that oiol is good to the last drop! "
thanx Gom

Motorcycle world abuzz at biker's 205 mph ticket
Haven't we gotten to the reality that stopwatches and clocked speed traps are notoriously inaccurate due to human error and police enthusiasm?

Rodney Dangerfield dead at 82
A true comic giant cast in the mold of Jackie Gleason. We loved Rodney. His humor was truly a class act, and he will be truly and deeply missed. Rodney's success came late in life and regrettably was never embraced by the entertainment industry. Now in his passing we all reflect on how his body of work touched and influenced our lives. Now that he is gone the Hollywood hypocrites will wrap themselves in his genius and feign respect in their greed. Rodney knew better, he knew that his success wasn't measured in money, but in his connection to his audience.
*Gom sez* "One of the funniest Jews left over from the fifties nightclub scene, Rodney Dangerfield really didn’t get any respect. He didn’t get enough publicity although he was a comic genius up there with Jackie Mason and Mel Brooks. And he certainly didn’t make enough movies and shows, especially when you got that stupid gun totting Martin Lawrence making remakes of a ‘Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court’ and Seinfeld just going on forever (and in re-runs now!). These kinds of people are not funny. Rodney was so many notches above those poor excuses for entertainers.
Although that movie about the cross-dressing boy soccer player could have been missed!
Just for his performance in Caddyshack alone, Rodney outshines everyone else in the cast and all he does is little walk-on zingers. The man is under-rated.
And don’t forget that he helped foster other great comedians through his nightclub Rodney’s (?) including the late-great Sam Kinison (another bastard who will be missed).
So where ever the hell you are Rodney, your passing leaves us all with one less laugh. You will be missed."
*Ray Ians sez* "youd better get to work on the moovie before all of fluffy's counterparts are dead!"

www.factcheck.org/
It's comforting to know that in the age of information someone is disseminating the accuracy of or spoon-fed politics.

www.jibjab.com/
And speaking of politics, no American can claim an informed vote without viewing these two satires!

Protest blockades Columbus Day parade
Famed Italian Columbus is no hero he was a loser. He did not discover America, which as his heroic claim to fame was in the service of Spain. And no, he did not cause genocide, as some would have you believe. If he didn't open the awareness of Europe and it's conquistadors someone else would have filled that nexus role eventually. Though not directly responsible for the crimes against humanity by those who followed him he was still a failed governor who was imprisoned in Spain and died a poor and broken retch. If any villainy is to be hung around his memory it would have to be the scourge of being the father of European Slavery in the Americas. Even that isn't quite as it sounds since slavery and indenturship were practiced by the Aztecs and many Native American civilizations.

100 SUNS
Now here's a coffee table book I'd like to have!

'Superman' star Christopher Reeve dead at 52
Awe crap! There goes my plan for Superman V: The Power of Cheese with a DFX body for Reeve blue-screened like Brandon Lee in The Crow! All kidding aside I do respect Reeve's acting. Even despite the severe shortcomings of Superman IV's everything, he still gave the performance the same effort as his more renowned works. One cannot deny his optimism despite his disability, recovering to still perform and tirelessly stumping for stem-cell research.
*Ray Ians sez* "not to mention, I was expecting it to be just a matter of time till he offered to do a cameo in the moovie, now thats shot to hell"
For the record the only role Chris Reeve was up for in the Institute Moovies was as Kyle 'Cheezy/Pickle' Clausius

Unprotected Nuclear Weapons Multiply
A very good accounting for nuclear weapon capabilities and aspirations worldwide from the 5 declared states, the undeclared possessors, the wanna-bes, to the gave upers. If you have any interest in WMD disarmament you want to read this.

Frist knocks Edwards over stem cell comment
I have to agree that Edwards was blowing sunshine and using Reeve's passing to his political ends.

Study: One in 100 adults asexual
The Bone Factor! He IS a one-percenter! This doesn't mean we're gonna stop pickin' on poor Bone!

Halloween on Sunday troubles some Southerners
Fucking ignorant moralists using any opportunity to force the silent majority to bend to their way of life! Just leave your porch light out like I do!

Pentagon: 7 ex-Gitmo prisoners return to terror
So, at what point do we just execute them?

Man jailed for sex with girls less than 15
You'd think this was from the files of Freeland.

Man not guilty of oral rape
'Oral rape'? Now wait a minute, we gotta get out definitions and terminology on the same page people!

"There are Too Many Germans!"
That's what Stalin said. But seriously it's nice to see that the Italians agree with the Institutes' opinion the EU ascending to the UN Security Council. Too many cooks...

USA presents Ukraine ultimatum
As it should be. There must be truth in democracy!

Sectarians inundate grieving Beslan, seek new members. Jehova's Witnesses and Scientologists have come to Beslan to create their image on people's grief
First the terrorists, now the cultists have descended upon poor Beslan to carpetbag their own slant on salvation, for a reasonable fee, capitalizing on the suffering of that community!

Russia and Georgia on verge of armed conflict
Oh great!

Unmanned Chinese Return Capsule Crashes Lands Into House
Oops!

China Marks Anniversary Of Its First Atomic Bomb

China To Build 3rd Station In Antarctica

US And Russia - What's Next?
Valuable, though diverse insight as to where our relationship with our Russian friends goes from here.

Analysis: Putin's Energy Bazaar
So, the bear holds the energy card close in hand, eh?

UN to visit Brazil nuclear plant Tuesday
I'll believe their clean when I see it.

Bush signs law pushing human rights, humanitarian aid in North Korea
Another click on the ratchet

Libyan mustard gas plant may be converted into pharmaceuticals factory
Libya, our WMD rehab poster child

Press Release Images: Spirit Mars Rovers Probing Water History at Two Sites

Press Release Images: Spirit 14-Oct-2004

Press Release Images: Opportunity Mars Rovers Probing Water History at Two Sites

posted by raymond 18:47

(0) comments